Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink