Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Any refunds available?…
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Sell your car
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Yoga Matt
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??