[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.