Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Sooo many times…..
bought wrong eggs
How do you milk an almond?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg