*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
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If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.