My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”