Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The devil.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie