me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Wise advice
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Lmao the reply
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.