my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I really had high hopes for this year though
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣