mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”