Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir