I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic