dream blunt rotation
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please