graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Thursday Thought.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first