Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.