13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book