Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Broom by every window for quick escape.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
🤣🤣💀
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The funk soul brother
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.