INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Yup!
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?