I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL