ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts