A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
first you must answer his riddles
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.