I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.