I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
You Might Also Like
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Coffee for people with no kids
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets