If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Mornin
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Optional boss fight.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.