[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Boating season is upon us.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”