A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Fights fire with marshmallows
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
This is sending me to another galaxy
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.