I am never leaving this website
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Wikigenius
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.