15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I think my mom just blocked me
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Found the job I’m suited for