I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Stonehinge
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
There is no “we” in pizza
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon