You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation