I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
mentally somewhere in italy
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*