Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
my nickname in college
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave