Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
That was easy.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.