My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Well, that didn’t work.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.