You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
sry
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.