My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!