RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
set yourself free xox