A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
How long do you have to wait between naps?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”