god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
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Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
X-tra spooky blend
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy