My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
me, too, girl. me, too.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
titanic
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit