Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
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I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.