Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
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[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
They’re stuck in your pants?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
? 💀
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.