Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.