You Might Also Like
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter