The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way