I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
scared to check what name she chose
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
my professor scared me for a second
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Lassie, get help!