So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
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Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Hell yeah 👍
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year