Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
life finds a way
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Oh the world we live in…
That’s fair
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.