Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Anyone want a chair?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Important reminders
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.