ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey